With Penny, the maternity clinic I was being seen at was a low-risk obstetrics unit. There were 9 doctors there and you would see any one of them for your appointments, because you didn’t know who was going to be on call when you went into labour. They were all great doctors, to the best of my memory. But they just sort of rushed you through your appointments and made it a routine instead of personalizing it. Anyway, I ended up at a different hospital and not dealing with anyone familiar from the maternity clinic so it didn’t matter. The clinic I am at this time is the same setup with 4 doctors. One is also on maternity leave, being due the same day as me (but with a significantly smaller stomach than me). I have only seen 2 of the doctors, including the one now on mat leave, so chances are I won’t know the doctor who delivers this baby. Even still, I have had much better feelings about this clinic and the ability to have this birth go the way I’d like it to.

First of all, I do NOT want a cesarean section unless it is to save one of our lives. A c-section is major surgery, with considerable recovery time, nevermind the risks of having any surgery at all. I know it happens to other women all the time, but how am I supposed to take care of an active 3-year old and a newborn with a huge gash in my stomach? How am I supposed to be as independent when I’m not allowed to drive for 6 weeks? These are limitations to my life that I’m not willing to impose simply because my birth isn’t quite progressing the way the doctor would like. With Penny, the doctor threatened a c-section at the end because I was ‘getting tired.’ But honestly, when I look back at the birth now, there were a number of factors that contributed to ‘nothing happening’ and none of them were about me being tired. I had an epidural, which completely masked the contractions. I had no concept of when to push, except for the nurse telling me. And because I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down, I had no idea how hard I was pushing. Now it feels like I was barely pushing at all and I could have made much more of an effort. We also figured out just before Penny was born that my contractions would get stronger/longer if I laid on my side. As soon as I realized that, more then 24 hours before, I should have purposely laid on my side to get the birth moving. But in my fear of the pain, I would immediately move to my back again, effectively stalling the contractions.

Pain management is not an issue for me. I’ll go as long as I can without intervening pain management, because it allows me to respond more accurately to my own body’s needs. I can do morphine. I can do laughing gas, although last time I would almost pass out from using it and would have to switch to oxygen really quickly. And I won’t say no to an epidural, but this time I’d prefer a walking epidural if I need one at all.

What I have been thinking about the last few days is my desire to not be induced. I didn’t want to be induced with Penny, but was told that as soon as I declined being induced I was no longer a low-risk patient and couldn’t go to my clinic anymore. There are times when an induction is needed for health reasons, but I believe the majority of the time it is not required. Did you know that the pitocin they pump into you is hundreds of times higher than what your body produces naturally during labour? This places extra strain on your body, and in turn on your baby’s body. They increase the amount of pitocin so rapidly that your body does not have time to naturally adjust to the pain levels and the things it is making your body do. The number of interventions (forcep extractions, vacuum extractions, c-sections) required when you are induced are ridiculously higher. When I was pregnant with Penny, I did all the research on this and had the numbers – now I can’t be bothered to go find them again for you.

What reason do they have for inducing? Based on the date you give the doctor for your last menstrual cycle, they count 280 days and that is your ‘due date.’ But we’re not machines! Not everyone is the same. We have different length menstrual cycles, we have different bodies, we have different factors affecting our births. If you buy 2 bunches of bananas from 2 different stores, they’re going to ripen at slightly different times. If you bake a loaf of bread in Calgary, and use the same recipe and steps to bake a loaf of bread in Victoria, the loaves will be different. Nevermind that! If you use the same recipe and steps to bake a loaf of bread on a bright sunny day versus a rainy day, the loaves will be different. Our bodies ‘ripen’ to birth at different times and in different ways. I don’t think a doctor can say that you need to be induced on a specific date, because your body just isn’t quite ready yet. The oven timer hasn’t dinged yet!

When you allow your body the extra time to prepare, if it happens to be 42 weeks or 43 weeks (I’ve even heard of 44 weeks!), I believe your body knows what it is doing. I believe your joints loosen more, the ligaments stretch more. Your baby will obviously be bigger, but this is what our bodies are meant to do and they know how to do it. Women birthed big babies before medical interventions came along. I realize there were more deaths of both moms and babies back then, but that is where the medical community comes in now. They recognize these risks and should be there ‘in case’. But it is not their place to dictate that your pregnancy be 280 days long, with active labour lasting no longer than X hours because you might get too tired to push, and that the baby needs to be ripped from you if your labour doesn’t follow their text books. I’m going to talk to my doctor on Tuesday about not inducing and how they feel about it, but I am going to push to not be induced (Just a few more days, doc. Just a few more days!)

For my online friends, you know I went back to work in December. I was working 1-8pm and I spent my mornings sleeping in, then hanging out with the Penny-munchkin. When I got home at night, I spent a bit of time with Court before we crawled into bed to do it all again the next day. That schedule wasn’t bad, but it sure didn’t account for LIFE. I didn’t spend alot of time with Court. Not alot got done around the house. And I was feeling useless at work because I was part dayshift, part nightshift. Not to mention no interweb time.

Finally in July my schedule changed to days. I’m working 10-5 now and have more time to get things done. But I’m sick of spending that free time sitting around at home. Back in March, we fostered a dog rescued from Mexico from Pawsitive Match Rescue. Poor Spudnik! He was scared, and in a whole new world. He had been abused at some point. The vet found bullet shards riddling his torso. He’s gone to a new home now, with wonderful adopters. But he ate our new couch and wrecked our blinds in our new house before he did go. Now Court says no to foster dogs. I get that, and I don’t begrudge him for it. But I still want to help the dogs.

I spend alot of my time helping them now. I do airport runs – which are meeting travelers at the airport after they’ve cleared customs with a couple crates of dogs. Then we take all the dogs outside for a potty break, and send them home with either their fosters or adopters. I do supply runs all over the city – picking up and dropping off whatever needs transporting. I even got a magnet for the back of my van that’s a pawprint with “Rescue Dog Transport Vehicle” on it! Oh yeah, I upgraded to a minivan from my wee little Neon! I couldn’t fit Court, Penny and I in there, let alone dog crates! Now I can do all sorts of transporting.

I’ve been wanting to do more of the computer related tasks though, and have recently started helping with medical requisitions, tracking medical papers, mailing out the records to adopters, activating the 6 weeks of free pet insurance, updating the website, posting on their facebook page AND running their twitter account!

I try to help find fosters for dogs coming in, and I answer any questions that people have. I help out at adoptathon events (speaking of which, we have one at the Blackfoot Farmers Market this Saturday, Sept. 25, so come visit the dogs!), go to meetings, drive dogs around for fosters who don’t drive, and sneak in the occasional supply run for Pound Rescue as well.

So now you know where I’ve been. And while you’re here reading about it, check out Pawsitive Match.

We have something like 42 dogs coming in this week needing fosters. Sorry for some of the bad photos – it’s all we have so far. If you’ve ever thought about fostering, now is the time. Or if you’ve never thought about fostering, ask me about it. It doesn’t cost you anything, and judging by everyone’s reactions to Spudnik most dogs don’t act like he did. They just need a home to stay in until we can find them an adopter. Most dogs stay 2 weeks to 2 months.

Of course, you’re always welcome to adopt one of these beauties (or any of the other ones that aren’t on here).

(Edited to take out the dogs needing fosters because they’re outdated and eating bandwidth)

Veggies tossed with chow mein noodles served with stirfry sauce.

Sounds somewhat appetizing for a child, albeit lacking in the protein department. Sounds like fun too, because an 18 month old can have alot of fun with noodles. But this? This is what we got:

Yes, that is one VERY lonely strip of carrot you see in the middle. And that was pretty well the extent of the “vegetables.” That, plus a 200 mL juice box cost me a whopping $3.99. I could have bought a 8 pack of juice boxes and cooked Penny a pack of ramen noodles for less than that.

Needless to say, I’m really disappointed with Wok Box and am rethinking spending our money there.

My brainwave? Change all of these “Join the fight to end ________” advertisements to “END the fight against __________” advertisements.

I don’t want to a join a fight, whether it’s to end cancer, MS, cerebral palsy, kidney disease, diabetes or anything else. However, I’d like to support the eradication of these diseases and illnesses. Stop them in their tracks and boot them out of our lives. No more pansy-fingertip-poking trying to shoo them out. Just drop kick them as hard and as far as we can.

• a hooked rug with 4 dinosaurs that I started when I was about 8 years old
• various knitting projects
• cross stitching kits
• sewing projects
• soother straps I wanted to make to sell

Obviously I want to do some sort of craft but I have yet to find one I really like. The rug hooking was tedious, the knitting frustrating, the cross stitching needs to be perfect, the sewing was too hard, the soother straps too much work. I love the idea of knitting; to be able to while the time away and do something productive with my time. My nana was a knitter for as far back as I can remember

Obviously unfinished blog post

I have never regretted breastfeeding, although at times I missed having my breasts belong to ME. At first, I spent so much time nursing Penny that I thought I did little else. Over time the frequency diminished until I went back to work in December. After a couple of weeks of struggling to nurse her every morning and every night, I cut out our evening session. We’ve both been happy to meet in my bed every morning before we start our day, and lie tummy to tummy while she suckled away. Her hands never stopped, always playing with the blankets, my bra, a toy, her toes, the dog or her daddy if he was home. But she knew what she wanted and her mouth never let go until she was done.

But that part of our relationship has come to a close. Over the last few days Penny has only nursed for a few seconds before rolling over and energetically starting her day. Today, she wouldn’t suck at all. So now, while I mourn the loss of that intimacy with her, I celebrate instead because my little girl is growing. I know that we will continue to find time for Mummy and Penny to snuggle, and I steal probably a thousand kisses from her in a day. I now get that half hour of morning back when we need it, and by golly my boobs belong to ME again! Well, and to Court too ;)

• Family and career
• hhummm… motherhood and career???
• holding a new born baby and trying to catch eggs flying up in the air as you slip on the ice. or more realistic, family that don’t get along that well, new career/profession, pregnancy
• 3 jobs and a small family of 3 children!!!

Family and career. An often debated subject – whether to stay at home with the kids, work from home, work out of the home. What is best for your family, what is best for your kids?

Obviously the answer is going to depend on the family. What meets your needs as a family unit, as a parental unit, financially? Finances are probably the largest factor in the matter, dictating the need to work for many. For some, the desire to be at home, to be with their children, is overwhelming. Through inventive solutions, sometimes strained relationships, and mostly likely strained bank accounts, some parents are afforded the opportunity to stay home. Then there are the rare few that are fortunate enough to be able to stay home, whether with a bit of a lifestyle change or not.

In our household, it was the desire to purchase a house that drives our decisions. We could afford the mortgage payments on my maternity benefit income, so we knew we could do it when I went back to work. We simply could not afford it if I stayed home.

So there is my lot in life – for right now anyway. I have to work. I have to be a mom. I have to be a wife. Or I could choose not to be on any of those, but I think life as I know it would fall apart pretty quickly if I did. So I juggle them all. It’s not a perfect set-up right now, but we muddle our way through. I spend a few hours with Penny in the morning – in between taking the dogs outside and her nap before rushing off to the dayhome. I go to work in the afternoon, which is quite ideal for me to be honest. But by the time I get home, it is 8:30 or later. That doesn’t leave much time with Court. If Penny’s not in bed by the time I get home, she goes as soon as I get there. We scrounge up some supper, we cram in a little PVR’d TV. Then it’s time for Court to go to bed. The poor um… guy gets up at 6 in the bloody morning. I’m not happy with the way this is. I don’t get enough time with Penny. I don’t get enough time with Court. We don’t get enough time together as a family.

Weekends come along and we try to cram in as much time together as we can. While grocery shopping, house supply shopping, family visiting, hospital visiting, dog walking, sleeping – just about everything except relaxing.

Can you suggest anything to help us connect until my schedule changes at work (not sure when or to what hours, but eventually it will change as I’m on a training shift)? I miss my life :(

The past year of my life can be summarized with one word: Penny. On the eve of my little girl’s first birthday I want to remember how we got to this day.

365 days ago, right about this time (8:00 pm), I was just getting moved into a delivery suite at the hospital. My labour had been induced 36 hours before with noticable contractions starting up about 28 hours before. It would be almost another 12 hours before Penny Elizabeth came into our world, a fashionable 12 days late. She was beautiful, and she was mine.

The first month of Penny’s life was spent focusing on the art of breastfeeding. My little 8 pound bundle of joy was STARVING! Or that’s how it seemed anyway. She ate every 2 hours, or more often than that sometimes. We were new at this, and weren’t exactly doing it right. I ended up in pain, but we got it figured out. It was my goal to be able to comfortably nurse Penny in public, without feeling the need to cover up either of us. I can proudly say we reached that goal!

When Penny was almost 6 weeks old, we discovered she had cataracts. Court was born with cataracts too, so we knew there was a 50/50 shot she’d get them. Luckily, we caught them before her eyes were developing too much, and she had surgery on both eyes to remove the cataracts and implant lenses by the time she was 9 weeks old. At 11 weeks old she got her first pair of glasses. Glasses for babies are kinda funny looking. But at that point it’s about functionality, not looks. And they grow out of the ugly frames quickly.

In March, Court and I finally grew up and bought a house. We wanted somewhere permanent and stable for Penny to grow up in, and maybe have some room for a little brother or sister for her eventually. We were building a house though, so it would be months before we actually got to live in our new house.

I think I spent most of April at The Clayground, painting pottery for everyone for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Penny was such a good girl! She’d sit in her carrier and sleep, or watch me and play with a couple of small toys. And of course, smile at everyone there! I’d make a mess of her trying to immortalize her footprints, but luckily the paint is non-toxic and washes off easy. I’d really love to go back and paint more pottery now (and can, since I got a gift card for Christmas), but Penny can’t go with me. She’s just too active now!

When Penny was 5.5 months old, she passed that all-important milestone: she got her first tooth! Once that first one broke through, they came fast and furiously. Within weeks she had the bottom front 4, and the outside top 2. Normally they get the front teeth first, then the outside 2, but not Penny! I was starting to think she’d want her front 2 teeth for Christmas. Now she has 11 and a twelfth one that’s been threatening to break through for a couple of weeks.

With the weather warming up, Penny and I spent alot of time visiting – grandparents and other babies from our prenatal classes. I looked forward to taking Penny swimming, although we didn’t do that until almost the end of June. We went to Riley Park a number of times, mostly with the other moms. Penny wasn’t as keen on swimming as I was, but she didn’t hate it. We didn’t have a bathtub in the house we were renting, so she didn’t know what to do with water. We always showered with her. Just now she’s learning about baths and bath toys.

Once Penny was old enough to start feeding her solid foods, I was all gung-ho on feeding her SOLID food and not jarred crap or cardboard dust pablum. For a while she did really good, gnawing on onions and peppers, sometimes on steak. But after a while she just stopped. She’d hold the food but it just didn’t go in her mouth anymore. Feeding her was a source of anxiety and confusion for me throughout the year. I found there’s alot of information if you want to make your own baby food, or how to feed your baby good nutrition. But there’s not alot of information on how to transition from breastfeeding to solid foods. Eventually I found out that breastmilk is still supposed to be the major source of nutrients until Penny is a year old, and I stopped worrying about it as much as I was.

In August, we went for swimming lessons. Now that Penny got to spend some real time in the water she started to learn about splashing and playing. Definitely no fear in that child! She would sit on the side of the pool and lean forward to fall into my arms. But she knew it was coming and would close her eyes before she got to the water. I really wish I could have taken some pictures there, but the pools have a no cameras policy.

In September, Penny got her second pair of glasses. Her prescription had changed drastically, surprising even her doctor! Her new glasses look so much better on her, causing the nickname “Professor Penny.”

Right around then I started to think about going back to work. I didn’t particularly want to, but at the same time, I was having a rough time at home with Penny. Going back to work would be a sanity thing for me, as in it would save my sanity. I ended up finding a job and starting there the same weekend we moved into our new house at the end of November. Why not do everything at once? Now Penny goes to a dayhome from 12:30-6 every day. It’s a good thing that she goes there, since she gets to interact with other toddlers. It’s kind of funny to see everything she picks up there, from new words like “uh-oh”, to trying to walk down the stairs. Unfortunately Penny doesn’t walk yet, so walking down the stairs doesn’t work too well for her.

And finally we got to Penny’s first Christmas! While I was still pregnant I was SO tempted to buy some of the Baby’s First Christmas outfits. But I was due on Christmas Eve, and I knew there was a good chance she might not be here in time to use them so I waited. Thankfully I did! It saved me alot of money, because by the time this Christmas rolled around, everyone forgot it was her first Christmas. We only ended up with 2 tree ornaments instead of all the the cute little shirts and onesies I would have bought last year. Penny might have been almost a year old but she doesn’t understand the concept of Santa or gifts. We ended up opening most of her gifts for her, but she was quite happy to play with them once we opened them.

And now, 364 days later, we’re ready to celebrate the anniversary of our baby’s birth. I love Penny so much! There’s nothing I’d rather do than snuggle with her. I love watching her play, I love watching her interact with people, I love listening to her babble. I love recognizing each step of her development as it happens, and anticipating what the next one will be. I love waking up in the morning and hearing her “mumumumumumumum” as she calls for me. I love when she falls asleep in my arms as I nurse her. I love looking back at her from the front seat of the car and seeing her adorable smile peeking out from the confines of her snowsuit. It absolutely melts my heart when she lays down on the floor and puts her head on the dog. It breaks my heart to hear her cry.

The year was hard – harder than I thought it would be. I thought being a mom came naturally; that I’d just know what to do and when. I thought Penny would know what her role was. And I trusted that the doctors would know what they were supposed to do. I guess it doesn’t work that way though, and I find that the past year has actually been a struggle. There has been pain, both emotional and physical. There has been depression, for both myself and Court. There has been tears, from all three of us. But would I change anything? Hellz no! I wouldn’t trade the past year for anything in the world. All it takes is one smile from my little girl, and my whole world is right again!

Happy Birthday tomorrow, Penny!

Coming tomorrow: Horoscopes for the next year of Penny’s life.

Attachment parenting… is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, the child forms a strong emotional bond with caregivers during childhood with lifelong consequences. Sensitive and emotionally available parenting helps the child to form a secure attachment style which fosters a child’s socio-emotional development and well being.

I love Penny to bits, and there’s nothing I’d rather do than cuddle with her. I want to parent her in a mature manner, which in my mind means including her in decisions, using reasoning rather than dictation, and I never want her to doubt my love for her. In general, my beliefs about parenting fall under the umbrella of attachment parenting, even if I don’t subscribe to every ideal.

One of the big issues that is raised with regards to attachment parenting is the concept of “crying it out.” There is a huge debate between the different parenting styles, with attachment parenting denouncing crying it out (or CIO as it is commonly referred to) as harmful to the child and your parental relationship with them. I’m not here to debate this topic. I have always felt that letting my baby cry is unnatural, and not what nature intended. I won’t go so far as to say it is harmful to the child’s mental well being, but the reasoning does follow that it could be. A child may feel abandonned or that their needs are not being met when they are left to cry. I haven’t often heard about the potential mental health issues for a parent who lets their child cry. I am currently on anti-depressants and in counselling, thanks to Penny’s crying. No, my child crying did not give me post-partum depression. But my reaction to her crying led me to finally seek medical help. When your child cries and you can’t fix their problem, you can’t make their world right, you feel incompetent and unfit to be a parent. At least that’s how I feel.

Anyway, back to the issue of CIO. The mothers I talk to on Twitter are generally of the same mind as me. They believe in attachment parenting, and don’t belive in CIO. About a month back I had alot of problems with Penny’s entire sleep routine – she wasn’t napping long enough, was napping too late into the evening, fought going to sleep for the night, and was waking multiple times a night. My family all said she had to cry herself to sleep. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I asked every one of them – my 2 sets of grandparents, my parents, my in-laws – and that was the answer I got from all of them. Only my father-in-law understood how difficult it would be and acknowledged that it wasn’t the best option. I turned to my friends on Twitter, and was surprised at how many of them said I had to let Penny cry. I still didn’t want to hear that answer. I never got the answer I was looking for. I don’t know what that answer was since I was probably looking for a quick fix.

After we moved and settled into our new house, Penny went to the dayhome and I went to work, and we all settled into a routine. Thanks to that routine Penny finally got onto a better sleep routine. But in the process of waiting for all of our routines to be reworked we ended up letting Penny cry it out. The first time we did was horrible, but I think it was less horrible than it could have been. Penny was still sleeping in her playpen in our room. The night we let her cry we stayed in the room with her, as we were trying to go to sleep as well. In my mind, being in the room with her helps mitigate the fear of abandonment. Hopefully it helped to have us there. Since then we’ve had to let her cry herself to sleep a number of times. It’s horrible every time. I just want to bash my head against a concrete wall every time we do it (fortunately I’m on meds that help stop me from doing it).

Ever since the first night that I let Penny cry, I’ve been avoiding my friends on Twitter. I’m disappointed that I let her cry, and ashamed that I continue to let her cry. I feel like I no longer belong to the ‘club’ of like-minded mothers. I am scared that they’ll look down on me and they won’t want to talk to me any more. I know better. I know that parents do what they need to do to get through. There’s no manual on how to raise a child. There’s no right or wrong way, just a right-for-you way (OK, there’s a wrong way, but we’re not talking about abuse and neglect here). But I still feel like I will be shunned if I admit that I let Penny cry herself to sleep. There are so many women I look up to on Twitter, and I think they’d never let a child cry. How can I aspire to be like them after I have crossed that line?